I just wish I hadn't told her all those thing. I was so careful, trying to keep my emotions locked safely in my heart, and it worked for so long. Not thinking about the pain all those fake smiles were causing me, focusing on the people who glow in my world instead of the people who are dark shadows. But today I couldn't hold it in anymore, I couldn't stand it, I was fed up with no one giving a shit. I couldn't help the tears that came, and when she asked what was wrong, I thought maybe she was one of the people who glowed.
How wrong I was.
I told her why I was sad, well, I only told her a little bit of it, and she scorned my reasons. I know they're not much, but the fact is, I can't help the sadness I feel. It's not my fault that the little things affect me so bad.
If she was a real friend, she would've given me a shoulder to cry on. Instead, she told me to suck it up and move on.
And when she was gone, I only cried harder.
I guess the pain I feel is less than I deserve, though. All the mistakes I've made, all the tears I've caused.
I wish I could go back and take it all away. Make myself a better person.
It's a shame the reasons for that are selfish. It's only because if I could do that, I wouldn't hurt so much now. It's not because I'm a bitch, oh I can live with that, but I can't live with the pain.
It's funny how your 'friends' hurt you more than your 'enemies' ever could.
It's funny how you can forgive but never - EVER - forget. What they've done to me will always linger in my mind, at the back at the front, it will always be there. When I'm sad, when I'm happy.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off making friends with the people I hate.
People suck.
And I suck the most.
There are only two people left in my world who glow. Only two people left who I can talk to without wishing they would just leave me alone already. And I know that they can turn into shadows easy as, because one of them has done it before. She could easily do it again.
Funny how in September I had a good ten friends who I would kill, possibly even die for. Now I've got two.
Karma came to kick my arse and I don't like it.
I want out.
I'm Roman Catholic so maybe it's blasphemous to believe in reincarnation, but that's the only thing that helps me through some days.
I hold onto the hope that maybe my next life will be better than this.
Hey Karinn, beautifully written i can feel your pain. When I was a teen i used to feel like that all the time, pain, tears and guilt were my constant companions. And I believe that made me very insecure sometimes very afraid... I too make a big deal outta of things, but thats just because we feel strongly about things, we are passionate people; in fact most writers are. It will get better as you grow older, or maybe not maybe i just think it got better because i seem to make a big deal out grown up things now...IDK. But hey if there is one thing i´ve learned is that instead of saying i wish i could go back and change things...I want to say I`M DOING THINGS differently NOW because of what i´ve learned. A friend of mine (he actually died recently) used to say we are here on earth to better ourselves for next time (he believed in reicarnation). I myself dont believe in it, but i liked his reasoning with the whole "we´re here to better ourselves". I believe its never too late to start doing things differently =)
ReplyDeleteSorry i only just saw your comment but reading it made me feel so much better. yeah, its probably just me making a big deal out of nothing but the thing that makes me so pissed off is that even though I always stood by my friends when they needed me they don't even. Notice when I'm sad -_- but thanks xD you made me feel loads better
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